A digest for conscious living
I did a half hour of yoga this morning, but over the past couple of days my practice has been compromised by the detox symptoms of the fast that I am going through. My physical and mental states have been oscillating back and forth between clear supplness and opaque lethargy. Both yesterday and today, at the times that I have sat down to meditate my mind felt too weak and scattered to truly concentrate.
I have made some very interesting discoveries about myself during the course of this fast. The most obvious realization is that, in spite of the fact that I know that bringing expectations on a Spiritual journey means carrying dead weight, I did it again with this fast. There was a mental clarity which I was seeking through fasting with which I hoped to be able to elevate my spiritual state. I have not yet reliably found that clarity, and this has lead me to feel a certain amount of suffering in the form of dissapointment.
Ironically, the observation of my suffering physical and mental over the course of this week, has lead me to a more subtle discovery. I have realized that everything I do, including my Practice is always motivated by the pursuit of pleasure. My spiritual quest has been geared toward bringing me closer to a state of clarity, tranquility and emotional balance. Ultimately, I seek these states because they make me feel good. This is all quite logical. This week however, through the process of fasting, I have witnessed that seeking bliss can be as much of a distraction from truth as anything else.
When I am seeking to feel good, I am creating and expectation. This expectation creates a point of leverage for suffering in the form of disappointment. As soon as I resigned myself to the prospect that some of the suffering that I have been going through this week is normal and unavoidable, I gained a new perspective on it. I have been able to observe my suffering from a more objective perspective.
From this point of view, suffering becomes interesting and profound. It becomes something that I can learn from as much as I can learn from bliss and joy. Suffering can function as a magnificent tool for self realization. A stern but effective teacher it is.
This way of looking at suffering is pivotal in my spiritual path. There is no longer a state that must be avoided. When the joy and bliss are here, I will dwell in them and learn. When suffering comes, I will learn from it too, and be grateful for the lesson. Our mental states are transient and certain to change like the direction of the wind on a mountain top over the course of a day. By relinquishing judgement of any one particuar state, I can flow in equanimity.
Goodnight,
Kikta
This was a very profound entry and I thank you for posting it.
I have been trying to come to grips with my own suffering and the pursuit of ‘bliss’ (and the end of suffering). You have so eloquently stated what I have also started to realize, so it seems a bit synchronistic that I should stumble upon your entry today.
It’s funny how life on the material plane can side track someone. Ten years ago I was able to detach from everything and viewed both periods of bliss and periods of suffering with an objectivity that had me standing outside the circle looking or pressing in, instead of lost in the craziness that exists within the circle of life.
My life was very magical then, and led to very beautiful and powerful experiences that found me living in various places around the world. But, as I started enjoying the experiences I was having around the world, I started to become attached to the life I was leading, and my expectations for more of the enchanting life experience I was living became so powerful they led to an acute suffering that I have had a very difficult time cutting through now that I have identified the root cause.
Your entry serves as a reminder and a bit of a wake up for me.
Thank you for sharing.