A digest for conscious living
My wife and I woke up very early this morning in order to have plenty of time for our practice. The yoga really brought my body back into a harmonious state and the my meditation was deep and steady. In spite of this fantastic foundation, my day so far has been an emotional sinkhole.
Inexplicably, I woke up at around 5.00 AM with a distinct feeling of anxiety and nervousness. I don’t recall whether I had been dreaming something unpleasant, but it certainly felt like it. Even before I got out of bed, my thoughts had turned rather unpleasant- for some strange reason, I began thinking about what it would be like to wake up and realize that I had been buried alive. I have never given that idea much thought before, and will certainly try to stear clear of it in the future. Within a few moments I realized that at some point during the night, Fear had slithered its way into bed with me and spent the night whispering in my ear.
Miraculously, I was able to concentrate and focus during my practice, but as soon as I was done, the emotional instability returned with a vengeance. Feelings of insecurity, frustration, and despair quickly entered through the open door that Fear had left for them. For the first part of the day, I definitely felt as depressed as I have in a long time. I tried to remind myself continuously to not to be deceived by my own story, but my rational mind had absolutely no effect on my emotional state. Everywhere I looked I was finding reasons to be more and more unhappy and dissatisfied. Financial concerns continually reminded me that this fear was justified, but it was actually another thought that really disturbed me.
My mind kept confronting me with the idea that my practice of meditation had become like a drug. Perhaps I had never really been free of negative emotional energy, but rather just suppressing it with my Practice. Perhaps the negativity had been there all along, but I had been using the meditation to somehow distract myself from it. Just like an alcoholic uses his drug to cover up some sort of emotional pain, maybe I have been using meditation in order to cover mine. Could it be that my negative emotional energy is not actually being healed by my Practice, but rather is simply being covered by the blissfull “high” which it delivers? Could it be that I am actually just deluding myself into yet another form of deception?
As the day wore on, my emotional state became heavier and heavier, until suddenly I realized that this was not a normal case of the blues but something far more malignant. I decided to abandon any hope of getting any more work done at the office and headed home. It is only a few blocks to my apartment from my office, but it was a long walk. I ran into my wife as she was walking out of the local grocery store and fought off an onslaught of tears as I helped her carry a bag of groceries home.
As soon as we got home, I had no choice but to put down my things, walk to our bed and lie down as I began to cry. I still have no idea what the root of my emotional outburst was, but I cried hard as I became overwhelmed by one of the most paralyzing waves of emotional pain that I have ever experienced. I sobbed in utter confusion- with absolutely no insight into the reason. I have never before had such an experience. It was as if some dark energy was passing through me and was being exorcised by this emotional catharsis. Whatever the reason for this suffering, it came from the deepest darkest recesses of my subconscious- even now several hours later, I have no idea why I had to go through that.
Perhaps in my meditation yesterday I stumbled across a very deep pustule of dark emotional energy that brought it to the surface. Perhaps it was some suffering from a past life that was being brought forth for me to finally deal with. Whatever it was, it was as dark and bottomless as anything I have ever felt. I had the feeling that it was the kind of suffering that a person has to go through when something terrible has happened that can not be repaired or made right. A dark place that I hope not to have to travel through again.
I took a long nap after I finished crying and woke up in time for dinner. I am finally returning to my normal state, but I still have no idea what happened to me this afternoon. It was a humbling experience that reminded me that I have not really had much reason for true suffering in my life- I am so lucky.
I look forward to my practice tomorrow morning, I think that a heavy burden has been lifted from my soul.
Goodnight,
Kikta