A digest for conscious living
This morning I once again went back to doing my yoga first and then meditating. I think I prefer meditating first- there is a different quality to the meditation when I do it right out of bed. The yoga then becomes an extension of the meditative state.
Today has been a real test of my emotional stability. The bad financial news that I received yesterday has opened the door for an almost depressive feeling that I feel is eagerly waiting for the opportunity to drag me down. I have been doing my best to observe myself and my feelings and not become too involved with my feelings of frustration and disappointment. I feel its as if there is a part of my mind that is accustomed to a certain amount of suffering which because of the steadiness of my practice, it has not been getting. It is taking the opportunity presented by my current circumstances to justify endulging its addiction to suffering.
Although there is cause for concern and action in order to maintain my family’s financial stability, at this point I know that any suffering is self induced. I see that at the root of this suffering is fear. Im afraid of the future, Im afraid of what true suffering it could bring. But Im not in the future. I am here, right now, and that future does not have to be one of further suffering. I do not want to allow this state to take away my clarity- and I know that it can not unless I allow it to. I am feeling a negative emotional energy which when experienced objectively is incredibly similar to physical pain. I feel compelled to take part in negative behavior which my mind believes will somehow relieve it of its suffering, but I know it will not- or if so, only temporarily. This is fear.
So what does one do when one becomes lucid in a fearful dream? Confront the object of fear. An that is what I intend to do in this dream. Don’t turn away from it, don’t try to avoid it by taking part in some habitual usually self destructive behavior. Turn around and face it- look into that darkness. Face the dragon… feel the fear and the pain completely… and look so deeply and incisively into that darkness that I finally see through it… a shadow, an illusion. I will not relinquish my freedom to fear.
Goodnight,
Kikta